How to Cure the Common Cold
by Allybally
Summary: If ‘Hansel and Gretel’ had been called ‘Squib and Tanis’, there would have been a lot less candy, witches, and bread crumbs, a lot more sneezing, and a lot more fluff. And it would have gone like this.


Tanis McTaggart was going to die.

There was no question, really. It was simply a matter of when she would kick the bucket. She couldn't smell, she couldn't hear, she couldn't speak, she couldn't _breathe_.

Well, okay, she could speak and she could hear and if she weren't able to breathe, she'd _already_ be dead.

But not being able to _smell_ really sucked!

She let out another agony-laden moan. She was _never_ going outside ever, _ever_ again. Not even on _Christmas_. Of course, this was assuming she even made it to Christmas. At the rate she was sniffling, she guessed she'd be dead by morning…

Squib groaned silently, listening to the sounds coming from behind the door in front of him. He could practically _hear_ the mucus with every sneeze; the phlegm with every cough. _Why_ was he doing this, again?

Ah, right. His insane, runny nosed girlfriend was sick over Christmas break, and it was up to him to make her better.

Bracing himself, he stepped cautiously into the room.

"Tanis…?"

"Squib?" Came a decidedly stuffed-up voice, "That you?"

"Uh, yeah," he said, feeling bolder and taking another step in.

"You're late. Did you get the stuff?"

"Nice to see you, too, Muffin," Squib joked.

"Gary Furlong, I've lost the ability to taste. Don't you be smart with me," even with a puffy, red face, she managed to glare.

"Yeah, yeah," he sighed, setting a plastic shopping bag on the edge of her bed, "I got the stuff. Sorry, there was a long line." He reached his hand into the sac, bearing the logo of the local pharmacy, and began to unload 'the stuff'. "Extra soft Kleenex, chicken soup in a can, throat lozenges, the latest issue of Teen People, Twizzlers, Oh Henry, and, last but not least, cough medicine," he pulled the small, red bottle out of the bag with a flourish.

Tanis sniffed. "…Where's the candy corn?"

"I…didn't get it," Squib grimaced. He knew what was coming. In fact, the whole reason he was late was not because there had been a long line at the store. He had arrived at Cascadia fifteen minutes ago and had simply sat in his car, mentally preparing himself for the dangerous confession he knew he'd have to make.

"Didn't _get_ them?" He could see her quickly losing her temper.

"Well, Tanis, they're out of season! It's _December_! It's not like you'd be able to taste them anyways!" Squib quickly tried to defend himself.

"_Squib_!"

"_Tanis_!" He mimicked, "Come _on_! I got everything else! _Everything_! I bought _Teen People_ for you!"

"Sometimes, that's just not enough, damnit!"

"I got _everything_ else! Let's see _you_ find candy corn in the middle of December! _You can't_!"

"ARG!" Tanis shrieked, "YOU! ARE! SO! USELESS!"

"Tanis!" He slowly edged closer to her bed, "I need you to calm down…"

"Don't talk to me like a child!"

"Sorry!" Squib quickly recoiled, fearful of a fist or something worse, but it seemed she had, in fact, calmed down.

"All I wanted was some _candy cooooorn_," oh, great, now she was whining.

"I know, I know," Squib tried awkwardly to soothe her (not his forte) as he slowly crawled into bed and handed her a box of tissues.

"It's _Christmas_!"

"I know."

"And I'm _sick_!"

"I know. But, hey, it's not all bad-,"

"Oh, what do you know?" Tanis huffed.

Squib sighed, "I have to go to class-,"

"That's another thing! It's Christmas! Why do we still have classes? _Nazis_!"

"You should get some sleep," Squib continued, speaking slowly. "I'll see you when I get back…"

"Okay," Tanis pouted, her mood in stark contrast from merely seconds before. She leaned in for a kiss.

"Ah, ah, ah!" Squib exclaimed, placing a hand on her collar bone and gently pushing her away, "You're sick, remember?"

"…Are you _serious_?"

"I don't wanna be sick over Christmas!" Squib sprang off the bed, figuring it best to make a quick exit.

"Squib!" He voice followed him down the hallway! "_Squib! **FURLONG!**_"

* * *

"Tanis?" Squib knocked hesitantly on her door. He was doing that a lot lately.

"If you come in here, I'll kill you," she said flatly.

"Hold on!" Squib exclaimed in self-defense as he pushed open the door with his elbow, "I brought you something!"

"Really?" Tanis' face visibly lit up. Squib nodded, smiling, and from behind him he produced a bright, red poinsettia.

"Tada!" He said, unveiling it with a flourish.

"…That's not candy corn."

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!"

"I thought you brought me candy corn!" She exclaimed incredulously, "To make me feel better!"

"We've been over this, Tanis! I couldn't _find_ candy corn! So I brought you a poinsettia to make you feel better!" Squib sighed.

"Why would a poinsettia make me feel better?" She asked, glaring.

"Because it's…Christmas-y?"

"Try again. This Christmas sucks."

"Fine, how 'bout…You're nose is brighter than Rudolph's right now, so this flower reminded me of you," he sighed again.

She attempted to glare at him, but he could see signs of a smile beginning to show through. Finally, she let out a chuckle, "You're a jerk."

He shrugged helplessly, "I know."

"C'mere," she held out both hands, taking the bright flower as he sat beside her. "You do realize we have no way to take care of this thing, right? It'll be dead in two days."

"That's what the lady in the store told me," he admitted, "but I figured it was worth a shot."

"Aw," Tanis cooed patronizingly, "you went into a flower store for me!" She leaned towards him.

"Hey, we talked about this!"

"_Squiiiib_!"

He sighed playfully, "_Fiiine_. One kiss. But only for you." Tanis smiled and sniffed once, loudly, before connecting their lips.

"Oh, that was _pleasant_," he mumbled against her.

* * *

Oh, God, no.

That was the first thought that ran through Gary 'Squib' Furlong's mind Christmas morning. Something was off. Something was _very_ off. Then it clicked.

He couldn't breathe.

He tried to inhale and ended up sniffing loudly and, even he could admit, disgustingly.

Okay, so he could _sort of_ breathe.

But either way, this was bad. This was so bad.

Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe his sinuses just needed to be cleared quickly from a night of heavy sleep. In a few minutes, he would be meeting his friends in the Open for presents. He tried again. An even louder and more disgusting _snort_ followed. He groaned.

Gary Furlong was going to die.

**The original challenge:**

**Name: Candybrowneyez  
****Pairing: Squib/Tanis  
****Line to include: "Sometimes, that's just not enough, damnit!"  
****Gift to include: a pointsetta  
****Element to include: A cold  
****One cliche NOT to include: A kiss followed by "Merry Christmas, (insert name here)."**


End file.
